Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
