you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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