Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
