life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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