I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize