i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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