Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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