textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
