capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
