i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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