im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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