upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
