I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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