I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
