He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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