dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
