I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
