tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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