I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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