That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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