Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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