Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
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he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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