two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
