It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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