he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
