don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
