apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
