He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
