Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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