I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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