I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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