hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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