he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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