Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
