my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
