fuck your aforementioned shoe
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
