So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
