apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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