Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I looked at my own cervix.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
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Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.