you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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