If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
