my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
