I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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