I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
