After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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