i just wanna soil my oats bro
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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