I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
