Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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