i already hear my dad disowning me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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