Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
