Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
