i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
