ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I am midnight drunk by noon
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
