Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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