I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
