I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
