I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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