think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
