So drunk, too bad you don't want this
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize