I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
